


Monster

by hope-for-olicity (Jacq)



Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Mental Anguish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-25
Updated: 2017-03-25
Packaged: 2018-10-10 12:47:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,635
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10438065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jacq/pseuds/hope-for-olicity
Summary: Post 5x17 fic with a hopeful happy ending. Takes place as 5x17 ends.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own these characters, they are property of Arrow.

 

Felicity could not turn away. She was never the type of woman to swoon or collapse but in this moment, she wasn't entirely sure it wasn't going to happen.

 

Chase had put a hole where Olive's heart should be. Her place. The place where she laid her hand, laid her head….her place.  How could he? How dare he?! She wanted to scream at the top of her lungs. But she couldn't. It was almost like it was all too much.

 

If it was too much for her....how was Oliver standing there. She could sense herself spiraling.  NO. She couldn’t do that. Oliver needed her now more than ever.

 

&&&&&

 

Oliver tried, he really did try to look at Felicity. He just couldn’t. He knew, she more than anyone could feel his pain. And she didn’t deserve to feel any more pain caused by him.

 

He began to sway on his feet and Felicity reached out to steady him. Without thought he pushed her away “No.” He turned to Diggle and Curtis. “I need to lie down for a moment. Can you?”

 

“Yes!” Diggle looked back at Felicity apologetically, he knew as well as Oliver did that the No was a slap in the face to Felicity. 

 

Diggle and Curtis helped Oliver down to his “room” in the lair and onto the cot he kept there.

 

“These wounds need to be clean Oliver. Felicity…”

 

“No..No Felicity.” he sounded almost desperate.

 

“Man, you know as well as I do that no army is going to keep Felicity Smoak away from you. Since you went missing, she left this place exactly once. She has barely eaten or slept - in fact the only place she slept was right here.”

 

That got Oliver’s attention. “You mean she wasn’t at the loft?”

 

“No, man she was here.”

 

“Are you sure Digg? Like really sure?”

 

“Yes. Why is this so important?”

 

“Because Chase taunted me with her glasses, said he got them at the loft...I had no idea...I couldn’t do anything...Chase had her….” a tear trickled down his cheek.

 

“Oh Oliver No. Chase never had her. She was here safe the whole time. Did you hear me? Felicity was here, not at the loft.”

 

Oliver nodded and began to sob, he turned away, onto his side, away from Diggle. Felicity was okay. She was never in danger. He didn’t deserve this balm to his soul but he would take.

 

“Oliver, you rest here. I’m going to go get some stuff to clean up your wounds.  When was the last time you ate? I’ll bring some soup.”

 

Oliver didn’t say anything. He heard Digg and Curtis as they walked away. He didn’t know how long he lay there alone before he heard the familiar clicking of Felicity’s heels on the cement floor. 

 

&&&&&

 

He kept his back turned to her. He really couldn’t bring himself to face her. He was a monster. He needed them all to go away but especially her. She was the most wonderful, precious, miraculous thing in his life and the very least he could do is let her life improve without him.

 

“Oliver.” she said tentatively.  He didn’t respond, so being Felicity she continued to talk. “I was really worried about you know. I tried everything I could and probably things I shouldn’t have to find you. I need you Oliver. I know you are hurt and Chase did a number on you. I mean….I don’t know what that means….but I know Chase tortured you…” Oliver could hear her voice crack. “But I’m here Oliver and I’m not going anywhere, you hear me Oliver?” Her voice began to strengthen “I am here. Chase is not. So you can yell, you can push me away, you can be the beast I know you can be. But I’m not afraid Oliver, you would never hurt me. I love you. I am here.”

 

Oliver could still feel her standing over him. He knew she was surveying the wounds she could see. “Digg will be back in a moment with the supplies to clean and bandage your wounds. Are you going to freak out if I do it instead?”

 

He rolled back so he could see here. “Felicity you should leave.” His voice was hoarse. “You want to get yourself as far away from and all this as possible. You are the best. The best person I have ever known. You have to leave. I don’t want you near the me. I am a monster.”

 

&&&&&

 

Felicity was exhausted. She had barely slept since Oliver went missing. She did everything she could and still there was no trace of him. It reminded her off that time he fell off a mountain. Literally. But he came back from that and he would return this time - it was that hope that kept her functional.

 

But now that he was back, she felt like collapsing. But when pushed her away - she knew relaxing was now off the table. 

 

She heard John and Curtis leave Oliver’s “room” in the lair. She knew they’d be gone to get supplies. She HAD to see him. She knew he would hear her shoes. Well at least she wouldn’t startle him. 

 

When she came in the room she knew Oliver was awake, she could sense it from his breathing. She looked at the scars she could see, she had to hold herself back from touching. She knew he thought he didn’t want her there - but he was wrong. 

 

She knew what it was like to think you didn’t deserve someone. She didn’t deserve Oliver anymore after her actions but he needed her so she was going to have set that aside. This wasn’t about her. Oliver needed her now.

 

So, she talked to him, knowing he was probably trying to ignore her but ignoring Felicity Smoak wasn’t something she would allow him to do. OMG she just thought of herself in the third person - she really was spending too much time with him. 

 

She told him everything. She told him that she loved him. Something she hadn’t said since the break,up but it had never changed. She would always love Oliver and then she asked him if she could go back to her traditional role of taking care of his wounds and that is when he told her he was a monster. 

 

&&&&&

 

“Oh Oliver!” Felicity sat on the cot next to him. She could not let him think that one second longer. Thinking you were a monster hurt, she knew that personally.

 

She held his face in her hands and made sure they had eye contact. “Now, you listen to me, you Oliver Queen are not a monster. You have never been a monster. You have done some awful things, you have even killed people. But you are not a monster. I will not stand by and let you think for one minute that that’s true.”

 

“Felicity,” he tried to push her hands away, but it wasn’t happening. “You don’t know. You don’t know everything I did. You don’t know what I’m capable of. I am a monster. I killed people and I liked it.”

 

“I see,” Felicity said patiently as she began to stroke his cheek to move away the tears he didn’t realize had fallen. 

 

“So, you will do as I ask and leave me alone? Go live a better life. A good life?” Oliver sounded tentatively hopeful that he may have gotten his point across.

 

Felicity was silent for a moment. Oliver didn’t like it. Felicity was many things - silent was not one of them.

 

She broke the silence suddenly, “so you like killing people?” she said lowly. 

 

He nodded.

 

“Okay, this is something we should talk about. I need you to explain this to me so that I can understand because I’ve been by your side for five years and not once have I seen any sign that you like killing people. In fact, you have gone out of your way not to do it for the most part. So, this liking killing people did it start on the island?”

 

Oliver shook his head no.

 

“Okay then it must have been when you were in Hong Kong for Waller? Did you like killing people then?”

 

Oliver shook his head no.

 

“So, it must have been with the Bratva.”

 

Oliver nodded. 

 

“When you were with the Bratva, the Russian mafia, I imagine you had to kill a number of people.”

 

“Felicity, stop.” Oliver really didn’t want to have this discussion.

 

“No Oliver, I’m confused. You said you like killing. I love you and I want to understand. The man I fell in love with seemed to kill to try to make the world a better place. I’m not surprised the reasons for killing in Bratva were a little more indiscriminate. So why don’t you tell me what you liked about it?”

 

“Felicity, please no. I don’t want to talk about this with you. Why are you trying to understand? It’s not something a good person like you could understand.” 

 

“A good person like me?” Felicity began to laugh, but it was disturbing, it wasn’t a happy laugh, hollower than Felicity’s wonderful laugh. “Oliver I am not a good person. Not anymore.”

 

“Yes, you are.” he said with resolve.

 

“Oliver I am responsible for the deaths of hundreds of thousands of people, I have yet to tell you but I’m working with a group called Helix who have had me do some very illegal things. I am not a good person. The things I did to try to find you alone….”

 

“Felicity…”

 

“No Oliver, let’s get back to you. What is it you like about killing? Is it the power? The control? The feeling of taking a life? Did it feel good? I honestly want to know.”  she was practically pleading at this point. 

 

“No….”

 

“No? It’s none of those things?”

 

“I don’t know why - I can’t put it into words. But I made myself good at it. I killed without remorse for the Bratva.”

 

“You made yourself good at it - that is something I can work with. Did you like it because it a skill you excelled at?”

 

“Maybe...Felicity I killed when I didn’t need to kill.”

 

“Can you give me an example of that?”

 

“There was a man name Kovar in Russia. Anatoly was there. I had him down, the fight was over. I could hear Anatoly telling me to stop there was no need for the kill but I did it anyway.”

 

“This Kovar fellow. He was a good guy?”

 

“No! He was awful. He was the reason I went to Russia in the first place.”

 

“So, you killed a bad man that you had gone to Russia in search of? I don’t see this as liking killing so much as following through on your mission.”

 

“You don’t understand Felicity. I did some horrible things when I was in Russia.”

 

“Oliver, I knew all this before. But that is your past. Would you do those things now?”

 

“I don’t know.”

 

Wow Chase really had messed with his head. “Okay, I’m going to cut you some slack as you have been held hostage and tortured for six days. I’ll answer for you. The answer is No.”

 

Oliver opened his mouth to respond when they both heard Digg come back.

 

He pushed in the medical cart and a thermos of soup. “I’m going to leave this with you Felicity. The soup is there if Oliver is hungry. I suggest you clean him up and you both get some sleep. Things will look better in the morning.”

 

&&&&&

 

Felicity gave Oliver a sponge path that sadly neither of them could enjoy given their current state.  She cleaned wounds and put dressing on them. Oliver barely responded even though she knew it must have hurt to have someone poking at open wounds. 

 

“Would you like some soup?” Felicity said quietly. She couldn’t hear Digg but she would be surprised if he had gone.

 

Oliver shook his head. “Water?”

 

“How about you take a couple of sips of soup and then I’ll get you some water?”

 

Oliver looked at Felicity and knew this was not a battle worth fighting. He took the soup and she went to get him some water. 

 

When Felicity left the room, she went to find Digg. She found him sitting at her computers.

 

“How is he?” Digg asked.

 

“It’s pretty bad. He believes he’s a monster. He says he kills people because he likes it.”

 

“What?! Oh my God! Chase had all that time to play on his worst fears of himself.” Diggle got up and started to pace. Rubbed his hand through his hair.

 

Felicity looked around “Where’s Curtis?”

 

“I sent him home. Told he could spell one of us when he came back.”

 

“Good idea. You should go home to Digg. I’m going to get Oliver some water and then we are going to sleep. Tomorrow I want to talk about moving Oliver to the loft. That cot is not big enough for the two of us.”

 

Diggle nodded “Okay, I’ll be back in a few hours.” 

 

Felicity tried to smile, Diggle pulled her in for a bear hug. “He’s going to be okay Felicity, he has us.”

 

&&&&&

 

Felicity kicked her heels to the corner of the room as she carried the glass of water over to Oliver. He handed her back an almost empty thermos of soup. 

 

“Digg going home?”

 

“Yes, he’ll be back in the morning. “

 

“Good, you should go home too.” he said gruffly.

 

“Nice try. Now that you have had some soup you may feel stronger but you are not yet strong enough to stop me.”  Felicity raised her arm to proudly show off the muscles she had been working on. 

 

She sat on the side of the cot. “I’m going to need you to move over a tiny bit..”

 

“Felicity you can’t sleep on this cot with me!”

 

“Why? Is it Susan?”

 

“No!” He said way too quickly. “You know  **we** don’t do this type of thing anymore.”

 

“I know we stopped. But then you got kidnapped and were missing for SIX DAYS. SIX DAYS Oliver I nearly went out of mind. So, you are just going to have to put up with me holding you for the night.” She moved to lie behind him in a spoon position so as not to aggravate his wounds. 

 

“Felicity, you can’t sleep there. I’ll knock you over. Come around the other side. Sleep in front of me like…” he had to stop himself from saying like we used too.

 

“But that will hurt your…”

 

“No, it won’t. Come here. Get under the blankets with me.”

 

Felicity quickly scooted to the other side and hopped in beside him. He pulled her flush against him. As much as she liked it she knew it must be hurting, “Oliver.”

 

“No, you are not hurting me. Go to sleep Felicity.”

 

“Okay.”

 

“Oliver, I love you. You are not a monster. We will talk about this more in the morning.”

 

“Okay, I love you too.” he heard Felicity's breathe catch. “Oh my God did you think I didn’t?”

 

“Well, you had moved on….after I pushed you away….”

 

“Felicity you are my always. No woman will EVER compare. Okay?”

 

“Okay.”

 

&&&&&

 

Felicity woke up to Oliver moving behind her. She thought for a moment he was awake and just trying to get up and then she heard speaking in his sleep. 

 

“No! Not William! Not Felicity! No! No!” Oliver began thrashing and Felicity jumped out of bed to avoid being knocked out.

 

She looked at her watch, 3am they had only been asleep for a few hours. Felicity knew not to get too close to Oliver when he was having a nightmare so instead she crouched down on her side of the bed and began speaking softly “Oliver, it’s Felicity. I’m right here. I’m okay. Oliver, William is okay. Oliver, you are okay.” She repeated this almost as a mantra until he seemed to calm in his sleep. 

 

Once he seemed settled she quietly walked out of the room. She pulled her hair out of what was left of her pony tail. Walked over to a nearby wall and slid down to the floor. She made sure she was far enough away that Oliver could not hear and let the tears flow. She cried for everything that had been done to Oliver and she cried because she wasn’t sure she would be able to help. She honestly didn’t know if she had it in her anymore.

 

Felicity didn’t know how long she had been crying, when she felt a hand on her shoulder she looked up to see Oliver. She quickly wiped the tears away “You are awake is there anything I can get you?”

 

He extended his hand to help her up from the floor. “You sure you should be doing that buddy? You are a little injured” She joked but didn’t ignore his hand. As she rose, he pulled her towards him and held her tight.

 

Oliver didn’t know how long they stood there but he knew they both needed this. Felicity’s touch always seemed to heal him and he hoped it would do the same for her. He knew about her pain, about how she still wasn’t dealing with Havenrock but it was unspoken rule that they not talking it. This was an opportunity to try to give back. Last night he thought he could push her away. Now he knew he couldn’t because she needed him. 

 

Finally, Felicity pulled back. “I must be hurting you.”

 

“No, healing” He smiled.

 

“Do you want to go back to bed?” She asked although she knew she wouldn’t.

 

Oliver shook his head no.

 

“Okay do you want to talk? I believe we left off with you trying to convince me you enjoy killing.” Felicity could see the tension entering Oliver’s body again as she led him back to the cot to sit down.

 

“Chase wanted me to admit my deepest secret and after six days of torture that turns out to be it. Felicity I’m sick, I’m a psychopath. This is why the Green Arrow is done.”

 

Felicity’s heart broke for him. Her Oliver, her wonderful Oliver truly believed these things about himself. “Oh Oliver. I don’t believe for a second you are a psychopath but I do think you need more help than I can give you. I can tell you over and over again that you don’t enjoy killing but I don’t think you will believe me. We have to find someone you can talk to. You have been through so much, too much for any man. So maybe the Green Arrow will take a break and you will get the help you need. I’m not leaving you Oliver, I’ll be by your side every step of the way.”

 

“Felicity, a doctor will just diagnose me as a psychopath. I am a monster.” The tears were forming in his eyes.

 

Felicity rubbed her hands up and down his arms before taking his hands in her’s “Okay, let’s say that happens the doctor says you are a psychopath. That changes nothing for me Oliver. I love you. Do you hear me I love you no matter what.”

 

“But you shouldn’t. You deserve someone better.”

 

“I can’t believe we are having this argument again! I don’t believe I deserve you now before you get some diagnosis you are never going to get but I am here. I am yours. You are not getting rid of me.”

 

Oliver was quiet he didn’t know what to say.

 

“So tomorrow, I’ll reach out to Lyla to see if she can recommend an Argus doctor and that will be our first step. As a second step,” Felicity took a breathe having no idea how this was going to go over. “I want you to move back into the loft.”

 

“What?”

 

“Oliver, you were gone! I thought I might have lost you for good! It really put things into perspective for me. I swore if I got you back I wasn’t let you go. I don’t deserve you but I need you. You make my life work. I want you to move back in. I wasn’t sure...as you are with Susan...but if I’m your always may you will consider…” the confidence began to leave her voice.

 

“Felicity are you saying what I think you are saying?”

 

“I think so...”

 

“I just told you I’m a monster, a psychopath, a person who likes to kill and you want me to move in with you?”

 

“Yes. I love you and we need to be together to heal.”

 

“Okay, I’ll move back in on one condition.”

 

Felicity looked weary.

 

“I want you to go to therapy too. I’ve told you over and over that you did not kill those people in Havenrock and yet you still believe. Maybe a doctor can help you too.”

 

“Is that a deal breaker?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“So, you will go see a doctor and move in with me if I also see a doctor?”

 

“Exactly.”

 

“But what about Susan?”

 

“I will tell her it’s over today.”

 

“Okay.”

 

“So, I’m moving in.”

 

“Yes, and we will be there to help each other heal.”

 

“I love you Felicity Smoak. I don’t deserve you but I love you.”

 

“Right back at you Oliver, now let’s get some sleep.” 

 

She and Oliver lay back down bed. 

 

“One more thing,” Oliver whispered in Felicity’s ear. She raised an eyebrow “we are sharing a bed.”

 

“Absolutely. I’m never letting you go again.”

 

Oliver went to sleep knowing that even if he was a monster Felicity loved him unconditionally and he would give that same unconditional love in return. 


End file.
